A busy doctors' surgery - the waiting room is packed. Only one vacant seat; a chubby woman enters, scans the room, curls her lip (very slightly) as she realises there is nowhere else to sit and waddles over to the spare seat. She flops herself down in the chair, then realising she has nothing to read, gets up and takes a copy of 'Heat' Magazine from the pile. She flops down once more, flicks through the pages and quickly realises she still has nothing to read! She looks to her left, a elderly man slumped next to her appears to be asleep, she looks to her right and sees a smartly dressed woman; too late, she has made eye contact...

Chubby woman: "S'it's busy in 'ere today init?

Other woman: "Oh, yes it is, it's that time of year I suppose, a lot of colds and such about!"

Chubby woman: "That why you're 'ere is it? Colds and such?"

Other woman: "Er, um, well, I..." [looking rather embarrassed]

Chubby woman [not waiting for a reply]: "Tell you why I'm here an' I don't care oo knows it ...nits! At my age, nits, nits and more nits!" [Crosses her arms, 'Heat' magazine falls on the floor.]

Other woman [looking very uncomfortable, involuntarily scratches her head]: "Really? Well, my goodness - Oh! Dear me! There's quite a problem with them these days it seems."

Chubby woman: "Well there needn't be, it's school as I blame - they don't educate people at all! This academy stuff s'all very well but what about basic 'ygiene and what about sortin' out problems? I tell you what, I've 'ad nits so many times this year, it's not funny no more. That's why I'm 'ere - to tell the doctor to go up to that school and give that new head teacher a piece of his mind - and whilst he's about it, 'e can give me a 'scription for lice cure 'cos I'm not spending no more money out on it myself and if he won't, then I'll lean across his desk and put my 'ead right next to 'is and let the little bleeders run a muck on him for a while! See 'ow 'e likes it.

Other woman [Scratching again and edging away from the chubby woman]: "Well, I hear what you are saying but it's very difficult for a school to police what goes on at home, if parents choose not to treat their children's head lice problem properly, what do you suppose the school can do about it?"

Chubby woman: "Ban 'em - that's what I'd do - I'd ban 'em from going to school until they could prove they was nit free! I'd have the gates manned by trained nit nurses and security guards. Every kid's 'ead an' every teacher's 'ead would 'ave to be checked before they was allowed into school. When we were at school we 'ad a nit nurse - 'Nitty Nora' we called her, hated her but none of us ever got nits and them that did - were treated properly and they was got rid of, not like today when you 'ave to pay a fortune and then still don't shift 'em. They're becoming resistant - that's what's happening; soon we'll all be covered with lice, you mark my words!"

Other woman [crosses legs and scratches her knee, scratches head again, edges further away in her seat]: I don't think you can have people at the gates refusing entry, it would be chaos in the morning, no-one would agree to it, not to mention the cost! No, you have to leave parents to it and accept that they will treat the problem properly - you can't have a school telling parents how to behave!"

Chubby woman: "That school is allus telling parents 'ow to behave, what to put in lunch boxes, what books to read, what to let the kids wear - everything but how to treat and prevent the spread of nits! I tell you, if I asked them to tell me what colour underwear my daughter should wear, they'd have a leaflet on it, they spend all their money on leaflets and leave no money for books."

Other woman [Scratching her head manically]: I don't think that's a fair assessment, parents like to be informed it makes them feel part of the school, communication is key."

Chubby woman: "Communication is key! 'ow many kids have you got? You are like that new head teacher, what's her face, Prinkle or some such (never met 'er), crams the kids' bags full of leaflets which we get to see at the end of the holidays when we clear the kids bags on account of the smell! [Mocking pseudo-posh voice] 'Communication is two-way, your opinions matter to us, let's work as a team...' S'all rubbish, she don't know 'ow to communicate, she don't even know whose got nits and whose spreadin' them around - I'd like to stick my head right next to 'ers and show her how to com-mune-icate with a load of nits...'Communicate that!' I'd say to 'er.

No - what kids need is discipline and to know where they stand and for the teachers to like 'em - then they can learn anythink. What parents need is to be left alone to do what they do whilst the kids are at school (not reading leaflets!). If there's, nits-school should 'ave a nurse an' if they want kids not to eat Mars Bars - school should provide a decent dinner. I could communicate all you like to that Miss Prington but she wouldn't listen to the likes of me. She wouldn't know how to tackle a nit or a sick kid if they came with instructions! Too many teachers who don't like kids - that's the problem! And as for Miss Pringly - no kids of 'er own, not even married, how's she gonna know how to handle a nit crisis? She should get a dose - do 'er the world of good - then p'raps she actually do something!"

Other woman: "Well I do hear what you're saying but the reality is that there's very little a school can do without the support of parents who must shoulder some responsibility - especially in terms of ni... er ... head lice. You know it's not that easy advising some 1500 pupils how to eradicate the problem - especially when no one admits to there being a problem. [Scratches her head again and continues - absent mindedly] perhaps a link on the school's website?

Chubby woman: "Well I'm admitting there's a problem and as soon as I've finished 'ere, I'm going straight up to that school and I'm going to give Miss P a piece of my mind.

A buzzer sounds and a dismembered voice echoes across the waiting room. "Miss Pringle please."

The other woman gets up brushes her skirt, collects her bag and, without a backward glance heads off to the doctor's room. The chubby woman is speechless but desperately thinking of something to say. She remains seated - she is incandescent!

Miss Pringle enters the doctor's room and takes a seat.

Doctor: "Hello and what appears to be the problem?"

Miss Pringle: "Well, it's a bit embarrassing really Doctor but, um, well, I think [scratches her head], I think I may have nits!"

"The Nit and the Head" by Liz Ramsdale